Girls and Boys

Christy found out she has mono. She's out for almost the entire soccer season. And you know what? She was devastated and pissed off but instead of having people feel sorry for her she bought ME flowers and a card. Her last year of soccer is gone and all she cares about is me?

Megan told Bobby that I spent an entire day locked in my bedroom and he stuck a dandelion in my hair and took me to Wendy's to get a Frosty and talk things out.

Shane came down for Homecoming and somehow got me to vent everything I was keeping to myself. Things I hadn't told anyone about the family situation. I got a letter in the mail from him today and this is some of what it said:
At the oddest times I find my thoughts shifting toward you. Maybe that's not something worth telling you. I've often felt that you might be happier to have little or no connection to me anymore. But your bluntness, your evasiveness, your inconsistency...they've all been weirdly appealing since our first coffee together. The truth is that I miss your energy and your sense of humor, your interest in things, and your spontaneity. As much or more than I've missed the same in other people. You're different though because those qualities are much more intense and brightly defined in you. In short, I imagine you have a boyfriend and a dozen other guys knocking on your door; I'm not asking for a chance to stand in their shoes, but I'm also not above admitting that it might be nice. I write to you then mostly to say that I think of you unavoidably and you're special to me because there's no honest or sensible way around it. Even after months away from you--half a year too, in the company of another girl-- you continue, for what it's worth, to have and odd pull and affect on me.

I can't ever decide whether to be happy or sad. Beau's cutesy pet name for me is "Happy." He says that when I'm happy, I'm so happy but when I'm sad that calling me Happy makes me smile (because of the irony I guess).

I have good friends.

Motion Sickness

So this weekend was fun. Friday night Amy, Mal, and I went out with the Petting Zoo/Alcatraz boys to the Sportsgarden. We met Erich Wittmer's dad. I may or may not have danced with Boger all night. Sweaty sweaty and jumping. It was fun. Saturday was the big Homecoming day/night. The pictures are up on facebook...we were all drinking all day. It was absurd. I passed out drunk at 10 pm. Ridiculous, right? Apparently, I was so drunk I was really mean to Beau. I woke up the next day, read my text messages and was soooo embarassed. He just laughed at me though because the night before he'd been out of control too. So everything was happy. Yesterday I hung out all day with Vince and Emily and was just having a good day. I went to Beau's to sleep. That boy is melting my heart. He's so sweet it's ridiculous and he weirdly understands me. The difficult parts of me...he just understands.

We went to lunch on Friday and then just hung out in my living room. He let me pick the show (CSI) and he just held my hand and scratched my head the whole time. I told him some more about my past and he just listened and when I got to the sad parts he'd stop me and kiss me or hug me tight. This morning I woke up when he did at 6:30 am (swim practice). I guess he woke up 5 min too early so he laid back in bed with me but he does this thing when he doesn't want to leave me. He lays facing me with his forehead pressed against mine and he wraps his arms as tight around me as he can and just holds on to me. We've gotten to the stage where when I stay at his place, if he has to leave before me I just sleep there until I need to go. And he does this thing where anytime he leaves me to go somewhere he walks away and then comes back for one last kiss. I don't know...it's just so cute. Mitch kinda mocked me about him this weekend...people ask me if he's gay. Apparently people think we make a really odd pair which I guess makes sense if you know the both of us independent of one another. And I finally stopped caring. Beau told me it's the differences that he likes the most about me. He's good and kind to me, you know? That's all that matters.

I was happy all weekend and then I got a call from my dad. My mom is moving out tomorrow. I got a little dark again. Char is on the phone crying again...My Nina just left me a voicemail asking for my help. They're trying to get my parents back together. I'm fucking sick of this. I want to be happy.

When can I get off this rollercoaster?

Bi-Polar Disorder

I feel better today. I think I needed a day to just wallow in self pity. Last night before I went to bed I told myself I would wake up and feel normal. It almost worked. I woke up feeling not-sad. That's a step! I went to class, took a quiz and now I'm on my way to a meeting. After that I have a lunch and movie date with Beau. Dani- I know you want me to go to the counseling center but I can't. I know I probably should but I won't. I can't make myself go. I can handle this. I just need time to sort it out and pull myself back together. Writing to you guys helps so much. So incredibly much. For now, I'll but my "dark day" behind me and "pull myself up by my boot straps" (my dad always says that) and hang in there. Time heals all, this I know.

This weekend is Homecoming which means a mini-Spring Fest. Everyone is excited to drink themselves silly with our old friends. (I think Shane is coming...ahhhhh). I think it'll be fun. In fact, I know it'll be fun. I'm going to forget about everything and just be a ridiculous girl.

Love love love.

Dark Blue, Dark Blue

I spent in my room again. I skipped my comp class, three meetings. I stopped functioning again. I thought I was done doing this. Mal and Amy tried to come over...I'm not sure how they knew something was wrong. I told them to leave me alone for today. Vince and Perry have been knocking on my door all day. I told them to leave me alone. I've left my room twice for food and water. I went out last night and I was fine....I was having fun. Then I got a call from my dad; he was home alone....and he was crying. It was like a preview for him of what life was going to be like soon.

I want to go home. I want to go home right now.

I can't think. I can't move. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying. I've been blowing my nose so much that it's been bleeding. That can't be good. I wish you guys were here. So much.

I know you guys are worried about me. I'm trying to not write these things because I don't want you to worry about me. Reading about your adventures cheers me up and just writing this stuff down calms me a little. The truth is, I'm kinda worried about myself.

Care Package

Dan-
You definitely left me in good hands. You know how I told you that Mal, Amy, and Christy have been texting me all day and I kept saying I wasn't feeling up to company? Well I just heard people at my door yelling my name. Amy and Mal stopped by ("we knew you didn't want us to come over so we just did it anyways") with a care package. The contents include: a giant bag of chips w/a jar of french onion dip (our newest obsession), a bag of shredded parmesan cheese, a bottle of tequila, a bottle of margarita mix.

I think I underestimate the people around me sometimes.

The Plague

Hey Guys,
So...I'm pretty god damn sick today. Which is weird only in that I can't really remember the last time I was this sick. It's awful. I've been lying on my floor all day. However, there is a perk to it. My dad called me again this morning...he's in really bad shape. I'm so worried about him. He just kept saying he had no idea what to do. He said he couldn't function. Seems like that's going around. The perk is that I really don't want to go to class today and being sick gives me a legit excuse. Silver lining? I want to help but there's nothing I can do. My dad is making my mom move out and she told him she couldn't afford an apartment on her own...that he would have to help her. SERIOUSLY?! I'm trying so hard not to be mad at her.

She still hasn't called me.

Three days and no phone call. How can I not be mad at her? My dad had to call Kyle yesterday and tell him that he can't be the new babies godfather. He can't stand getting any more mixed in with mom's family. His heart is shattering into a million pieces and he doesn't know what to do about it and neither do I. I tried to tell him that heartbreaks heal....with time....but how can I compare mine with his? I can't. They're not even on the same plane.

Bree I know you already know this so this is mostly for Dan but Joe came over yesterday. I know that I told him I didn't want to be friends but when my dad called me yesterday morning he was crying and I couldn't stand it. I needed to talk to someone who understood the whole picture. Someone who knows me and knows my family. You two were gone and Joe knows so much. I don't think anyone really understands how close the two of us are. For the past two years I've told/talked about virtually everything I've told/talked about with you guys. More even, when it comes to my mom and dad. He came over immediately, he kept asking me the night before if I needed to talk--he could tell something was wrong. We talked for so long. Two/three hours. We talked about everything and it helped. I feel calm now. I feel calm knowing that there is once again someone on this continent I can talk to. Mal, Amy, and Christy know but I'm not ready to tell them everything. Letting people in takes time....especially for me. Although, Dan, you did leave me in good hands. The three of them have been texting me all day asking if I'm okay and wanting to come over. I'm trying to keep my ebola to myself so I keep saying no but I'm going to stop by there later today or tomorrow to talk to them.

This one is also for Dan since I talked to Bree yesterday. I ended things with Beau. I know that I should be holding on to people who care about me instead of pushing them away but I just feel like it's all too much. A new boyfriend in the middle of all this turmoil seems like an absurdity. Like, I told Bree....I want to date someone because I want them. Because I want to be with them and only them, not because they'll help hold me together when everything is fracturing apart. I don't want to bring someone else down.

I'm really tired, I think I'm going to go lay down now. I love you guys.

PS. Dan I still only got one email. Wasn't I supposed to get like 3 or something?
PSS. Breeze, hang in there baby girl.

Flowing Through My Fingertips

So as I went through my day today, classes and such. I realized I weirdly felt better. Like, I didn't feel as lethargic or anxious. Simply writing to you guys made me feel better because I could kind of hear in my head what you guys would say. Strange. I feel kinda happy right now....

I love you guys!

Don't Wake Me, I Plan on Sleeping In

Okay so I had this grand idea that I was going to be able to handle an entire semester without you guys. Not that I wouldn't need to talk to you but that I would be able to handle all the garbage. Why would you want to hear about sad, angry, or frustrating things when you're so far away having fun? But...honestly, I just can't do it on my own. Especially right now. I'm so sorry if this is not what you guys want to read. In fact, after this one, you can most certainly abstain from reading these anymore. I just need a place to vent.

Everything is falling apart.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not friends with Joe anymore, you two are not available, Beau and I broke up 2 days ago, everyone thinks my mom is ready to leave, Char doesn't get me so we don't talk really, my dad is so busy with all the nonsense in Bakersfield to even notice something to going on with me. I have friends here but I don't want to tell them things. I don't function anymore. I haven't done any real work in almost a week. I can't concentrate in class. I keep skipping meetings. There's something wrong with me. I miss you guys sooo much; I don't even think it's healthy at this point. I'm surrounded by familiar places and people I've known for years yet, I feel so lonely. Help.