The Plague

Hey Guys,
So...I'm pretty god damn sick today. Which is weird only in that I can't really remember the last time I was this sick. It's awful. I've been lying on my floor all day. However, there is a perk to it. My dad called me again this morning...he's in really bad shape. I'm so worried about him. He just kept saying he had no idea what to do. He said he couldn't function. Seems like that's going around. The perk is that I really don't want to go to class today and being sick gives me a legit excuse. Silver lining? I want to help but there's nothing I can do. My dad is making my mom move out and she told him she couldn't afford an apartment on her own...that he would have to help her. SERIOUSLY?! I'm trying so hard not to be mad at her.

She still hasn't called me.

Three days and no phone call. How can I not be mad at her? My dad had to call Kyle yesterday and tell him that he can't be the new babies godfather. He can't stand getting any more mixed in with mom's family. His heart is shattering into a million pieces and he doesn't know what to do about it and neither do I. I tried to tell him that heartbreaks heal....with time....but how can I compare mine with his? I can't. They're not even on the same plane.

Bree I know you already know this so this is mostly for Dan but Joe came over yesterday. I know that I told him I didn't want to be friends but when my dad called me yesterday morning he was crying and I couldn't stand it. I needed to talk to someone who understood the whole picture. Someone who knows me and knows my family. You two were gone and Joe knows so much. I don't think anyone really understands how close the two of us are. For the past two years I've told/talked about virtually everything I've told/talked about with you guys. More even, when it comes to my mom and dad. He came over immediately, he kept asking me the night before if I needed to talk--he could tell something was wrong. We talked for so long. Two/three hours. We talked about everything and it helped. I feel calm now. I feel calm knowing that there is once again someone on this continent I can talk to. Mal, Amy, and Christy know but I'm not ready to tell them everything. Letting people in takes time....especially for me. Although, Dan, you did leave me in good hands. The three of them have been texting me all day asking if I'm okay and wanting to come over. I'm trying to keep my ebola to myself so I keep saying no but I'm going to stop by there later today or tomorrow to talk to them.

This one is also for Dan since I talked to Bree yesterday. I ended things with Beau. I know that I should be holding on to people who care about me instead of pushing them away but I just feel like it's all too much. A new boyfriend in the middle of all this turmoil seems like an absurdity. Like, I told Bree....I want to date someone because I want them. Because I want to be with them and only them, not because they'll help hold me together when everything is fracturing apart. I don't want to bring someone else down.

I'm really tired, I think I'm going to go lay down now. I love you guys.

PS. Dan I still only got one email. Wasn't I supposed to get like 3 or something?
PSS. Breeze, hang in there baby girl.