Fuck.

Briana is back and Dan you'll be back soon but tonight is probably the hardest night of my life. God, my mom crushes my heart.

I hate how a great night can turn into a horrible, awful night in a split second.

I'm fucking sick of this shit. right. now.

Fuck my mom.
Fuck everything.

Sigh Sigh Sigh

Beau just left. He wasn't really around very much on my birthday because they had some swimming alumni thing that he couldn't really miss. So he decided to make it up to me by doing "secret" things for me today. He woke up and made me a delicious breakfast (He even did the fancy plating thing so it would look pretty) and he left me alone for the afternoon so I could finish my paper due today but tonight he's taking me to a movie and something else. He was so cute flying around our little kitchen this morning while I wrote my paper. He is... amazing. I can't believe I've never had a relationship like this before.

I am unbelievably and insanely in love with this boy. Jesus.

21 + 1

I'm old as balls.

:)

Just Like a Cookie

It happened again. I fell apart again. I think I've been falling apart all semester but I just got really good at hiding it (mostly) these past few weeks. However, that was not the case these past few days. I'm not sure why but my seams just all came undone since last Thursday and I don't know how to sew them back up for more than a few hours. I skipped class and all my meetings last Thursday and Friday and just sat in my room. All alone. I came out of my room and plastered a smile on my face for the Board Dinner on Friday night and for the big Brownbo Christmas Party on Saturday. Then once everyone left I got dark again. I'm sooo tired of it. You'd think that the good news with Beau that I wrote about yesterday would be enough to outshine all the rest but I just am having the hardest time. You know how it feels when you're on the brink of tears? When you have that lump in your throat and it's a little harder to breathe? I've felt like that for the past two days. Anytime I'm alone and I'm allowed to fall apart I do. I've gotten so good at hiding this shit that no one even knows that there's a problem. I think Beau might suspect it but I try my best to hide it from him. I probably wouldn't even be writing this but I need to tell someone, anyone. Jesus Christ, I'm crying again. Damn it. I'm in the library because my computer is dead and I need to pull myself together. Breathe breathe breathe. 

I'm tired of bringing everyone around me down. They would be concerned if I let them know what was going on and I just hate making people worry about me. I want to make people smile not make them frustrated because they can't help me. That's the thing: no one can help me. Everything that's going on is beyond my control. The only thing I have control over is how I feel about it all, how I handle it...and well I can't help how I feel about it. I can't change how all of this affects me. I feel like my emotions are taking over my life. I can't do anything for my parents or for Kaylyn. I can't give myself a loan. I can't change the fact that my brain shuts down when exposed to so much pressure. I can't make my professors see that it's not my fault that my work is sucking ass. I can't go outside my body and push myself to meetings and class. I can't shake my brain awake to make it stop dropping the ball on so many things. I can't do anything. Metaphorically and literally and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like things are out of my control. I can readily admit that I'm a control freak and having things in the state that they are is just stressing me out more, which in turn has caused me to shut down even more, which in turn has caused me to stress out more. Resulting in a never ending cycle of frustration and stagnation. I'm tired. 

9 more days. I have to keep it together for 9 more days, then I can go home and fall to pieces. Until then.... I just need to remember to breathe. 

Sorry if this bummed you out and that it's so long, I just really needed to let it out and you guys said you wanted me to be honest, well here's as honest as it gets. 

The "L" Bomb

The scene opens when our heroine wakes up bleary eyed and slightly nauseated after a long night of Christmas party-ing (an ice luge was involved). She's pleasantly surprised to see him lying in bed next to her when a hazy memory hits her.

K: Hey, Beau....umm....did you use the dreaded "L" word last night?

B: (groggy and almost indecipherable) Oh...yeah.

(silence for about 20 years)

K: Did you mean it?

B: Yeah.

(more silence)

K: Hey, Beau... I love you.

B: I love you.

K: Alright, just checking.

B: Wait...did I say I love you? I meant I despise you.

K: I hate you.

At this point our heroine proceeds to jump up and hit her absurd boyfriend into submission and then gets wrestled to back to bed. She is forcefully held tight in his arms.

B: I really do, though.

K: I do, too.

End Scene.