Just Like a Cookie

It happened again. I fell apart again. I think I've been falling apart all semester but I just got really good at hiding it (mostly) these past few weeks. However, that was not the case these past few days. I'm not sure why but my seams just all came undone since last Thursday and I don't know how to sew them back up for more than a few hours. I skipped class and all my meetings last Thursday and Friday and just sat in my room. All alone. I came out of my room and plastered a smile on my face for the Board Dinner on Friday night and for the big Brownbo Christmas Party on Saturday. Then once everyone left I got dark again. I'm sooo tired of it. You'd think that the good news with Beau that I wrote about yesterday would be enough to outshine all the rest but I just am having the hardest time. You know how it feels when you're on the brink of tears? When you have that lump in your throat and it's a little harder to breathe? I've felt like that for the past two days. Anytime I'm alone and I'm allowed to fall apart I do. I've gotten so good at hiding this shit that no one even knows that there's a problem. I think Beau might suspect it but I try my best to hide it from him. I probably wouldn't even be writing this but I need to tell someone, anyone. Jesus Christ, I'm crying again. Damn it. I'm in the library because my computer is dead and I need to pull myself together. Breathe breathe breathe. 

I'm tired of bringing everyone around me down. They would be concerned if I let them know what was going on and I just hate making people worry about me. I want to make people smile not make them frustrated because they can't help me. That's the thing: no one can help me. Everything that's going on is beyond my control. The only thing I have control over is how I feel about it all, how I handle it...and well I can't help how I feel about it. I can't change how all of this affects me. I feel like my emotions are taking over my life. I can't do anything for my parents or for Kaylyn. I can't give myself a loan. I can't change the fact that my brain shuts down when exposed to so much pressure. I can't make my professors see that it's not my fault that my work is sucking ass. I can't go outside my body and push myself to meetings and class. I can't shake my brain awake to make it stop dropping the ball on so many things. I can't do anything. Metaphorically and literally and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like things are out of my control. I can readily admit that I'm a control freak and having things in the state that they are is just stressing me out more, which in turn has caused me to shut down even more, which in turn has caused me to stress out more. Resulting in a never ending cycle of frustration and stagnation. I'm tired. 

9 more days. I have to keep it together for 9 more days, then I can go home and fall to pieces. Until then.... I just need to remember to breathe. 

Sorry if this bummed you out and that it's so long, I just really needed to let it out and you guys said you wanted me to be honest, well here's as honest as it gets.