Fuck.

Briana is back and Dan you'll be back soon but tonight is probably the hardest night of my life. God, my mom crushes my heart.

I hate how a great night can turn into a horrible, awful night in a split second.

I'm fucking sick of this shit. right. now.

Fuck my mom.
Fuck everything.

Sigh Sigh Sigh

Beau just left. He wasn't really around very much on my birthday because they had some swimming alumni thing that he couldn't really miss. So he decided to make it up to me by doing "secret" things for me today. He woke up and made me a delicious breakfast (He even did the fancy plating thing so it would look pretty) and he left me alone for the afternoon so I could finish my paper due today but tonight he's taking me to a movie and something else. He was so cute flying around our little kitchen this morning while I wrote my paper. He is... amazing. I can't believe I've never had a relationship like this before.

I am unbelievably and insanely in love with this boy. Jesus.

21 + 1

I'm old as balls.

:)

Just Like a Cookie

It happened again. I fell apart again. I think I've been falling apart all semester but I just got really good at hiding it (mostly) these past few weeks. However, that was not the case these past few days. I'm not sure why but my seams just all came undone since last Thursday and I don't know how to sew them back up for more than a few hours. I skipped class and all my meetings last Thursday and Friday and just sat in my room. All alone. I came out of my room and plastered a smile on my face for the Board Dinner on Friday night and for the big Brownbo Christmas Party on Saturday. Then once everyone left I got dark again. I'm sooo tired of it. You'd think that the good news with Beau that I wrote about yesterday would be enough to outshine all the rest but I just am having the hardest time. You know how it feels when you're on the brink of tears? When you have that lump in your throat and it's a little harder to breathe? I've felt like that for the past two days. Anytime I'm alone and I'm allowed to fall apart I do. I've gotten so good at hiding this shit that no one even knows that there's a problem. I think Beau might suspect it but I try my best to hide it from him. I probably wouldn't even be writing this but I need to tell someone, anyone. Jesus Christ, I'm crying again. Damn it. I'm in the library because my computer is dead and I need to pull myself together. Breathe breathe breathe. 

I'm tired of bringing everyone around me down. They would be concerned if I let them know what was going on and I just hate making people worry about me. I want to make people smile not make them frustrated because they can't help me. That's the thing: no one can help me. Everything that's going on is beyond my control. The only thing I have control over is how I feel about it all, how I handle it...and well I can't help how I feel about it. I can't change how all of this affects me. I feel like my emotions are taking over my life. I can't do anything for my parents or for Kaylyn. I can't give myself a loan. I can't change the fact that my brain shuts down when exposed to so much pressure. I can't make my professors see that it's not my fault that my work is sucking ass. I can't go outside my body and push myself to meetings and class. I can't shake my brain awake to make it stop dropping the ball on so many things. I can't do anything. Metaphorically and literally and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like things are out of my control. I can readily admit that I'm a control freak and having things in the state that they are is just stressing me out more, which in turn has caused me to shut down even more, which in turn has caused me to stress out more. Resulting in a never ending cycle of frustration and stagnation. I'm tired. 

9 more days. I have to keep it together for 9 more days, then I can go home and fall to pieces. Until then.... I just need to remember to breathe. 

Sorry if this bummed you out and that it's so long, I just really needed to let it out and you guys said you wanted me to be honest, well here's as honest as it gets. 

The "L" Bomb

The scene opens when our heroine wakes up bleary eyed and slightly nauseated after a long night of Christmas party-ing (an ice luge was involved). She's pleasantly surprised to see him lying in bed next to her when a hazy memory hits her.

K: Hey, Beau....umm....did you use the dreaded "L" word last night?

B: (groggy and almost indecipherable) Oh...yeah.

(silence for about 20 years)

K: Did you mean it?

B: Yeah.

(more silence)

K: Hey, Beau... I love you.

B: I love you.

K: Alright, just checking.

B: Wait...did I say I love you? I meant I despise you.

K: I hate you.

At this point our heroine proceeds to jump up and hit her absurd boyfriend into submission and then gets wrestled to back to bed. She is forcefully held tight in his arms.

B: I really do, though.

K: I do, too.

End Scene.

Hi Hi Hi

BRIANA UPDATE YOUR BLOOOGGGGGGGG

The end.

Booze and Bondage

:)

Hilarious

So, just kidding. I'm still 8000 dollars short of technically being able to register for classes next semester/graduate....sweet life, man. I've tried a million loan agencies. I'm going to financial aid to try and figure something out but I'm so fucking sick of this nonsense. I HATE MONEY.

Plus, I need to talk to one of you. I need some boy talk like right now...I'm overreacting to something and I need one of you to rationalize me out of it. I KNOW I'm being kinda crazy but I can't make myself stop it. I've tried, I've even realized it and I just can't think myself out of being upset right now.

Balls. Balls. BALLS.

Why can't things just be siiimmmmmmple?

Never Ending Coaster

Good News:

I GOT THE LOAN!
I'm so surprised I got it.
I can go here next semester.
I can graduate.
Jesus Christ, I can finally breathe.

Bad News:
My mom filed the divorce papers.

Where's the Beef?

I HATH RETURNED!!

Hey guys, sorry for my non-writing. Things have been nutso around here. So I'm going to give you a run down on the major happenings thus far:

• I moved rooms. I now reside in a neop green ex-porch. Colleen got a new room and it seems to have made a palatable difference in the house, only bad thing....I haven't really seen Colleen since the move. Makes me kinda sad.
• Due to a financial shit hole I can't register for classes. I'm technically not allowed to take any next semester yet...It took a whole week to get my dad and mom to cooperate and get shit kinda done. I don't know...I'm really really frustrated with them right now. I know things are hard and they're getting adjusted and they really are trying. They're both so worried about me. But they're just not doing a good job being parents right now. They're really really trying though....
• I think I love Beau. AH!!!!!!

F. I'm talking to Dan on AIM and I'll probably talk to you (Bree) tomorrow or the day after, there's no reason to blow by blow this when you'll hear it shortly. Vince, Perry, and I are going to make beef stroganoff, later!

AWOL

Hey Guys,
I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm going to be MIA this week. I have so so much work to do and I got behind this weekend due to some mom/dad issues. I need to spend basically every waking moment working in order to catch back up. I promise to update you guys as soon as I can.

Dan: I got your call. Thanks thanks.
Breeze: I got your post card.

I promise emails and letters will be sent out as soon as life settles down a bit.
I love you guys!!

Photographic Evidence

Eduardo! My pumpkin this Halloween. Appropriate, right?

The first snow of the year, as seen through my attic window!

Here's a video from the first snow too:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=513092067741

fuck.

My dad just called me. He was crying hysterically. He's falling apart.

I can feel the numbness coming again.

Nap Time

Hey guys,
So I just spent the entire day sleeping. It was ridiculouuusss. How does one sleep for 6 hours straight in the middle of the day? I think my body was pretty run down from these last two days. I stopped wearing my neck brace two days early and have only been taking my pain killers when I absolutely have to. I hated wearing it, everyone kept asking me what was wrong. Alright, so anyway....It's Fall Break! I don't have class until Wednesday. Vince, Amy, Mal, and Emily all offered to take me home but I kinda just wanted to stay here and do work. So I have some big news:

KAYLYN IS COMING!!!

My dad bought her a plane ticket and she's coming for a week during Thanksgiving Break!!! I can't even begin to describe to you how god damn excited I am! Alright, that's all for now Beau just got back to school from home and I want to seeeeee him. MISS YOU GUYS!!

Vicodin and Flexiril

Yup, that's the names of the pain killers and muscle relaxers I am currently on. I just got back from the hospital and I have to wear a neck brace for a week. I look ridiculous and hilarious. I don't want to wear it but it actually feels good so I might just do it. Although, I have to stop taking them tomorrow so I can go out for Bin and Ash's 21st birthday parties. As a house we're throwing Bin a little party with cake and then taking him to the bar for the first time ever (we made him do his first shot at midnight tonight) and the girls/boys are all going out so Ash can go to the bar (legally) for the first time ever. I'm sure it'll be fun, I'm kinda pissed I have to be good and not go nuts because of this stupid neck brace.

You guys would die laughing. I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital with Vince just laughing at my ridiculous luck. I can feel the vicodin kicking in now, bed time. Love love looooove, you guys!

Stairway to Heaven

So, before you hear it from someone else: I fell down the flight of stairs that lead up to my room yesterday. From the veeeerrry top step. I tripped over Penny (completely sober) and fell all the way down on my spine, elbow, neck, and head. I couldn't move my arm for a few hours. I chose not to go to the hospital because I wasn't sure if anything was broken and I didn't want to waste a hospital visit since we don't have insurance. I woke up today and my whole body was stiff. My neck doesn't bend backwards or to the left and I might have fractured my elbow based on it's movement abilities. I KNOW I should have gone to the hospital today (my dad, Vince, Char, and my mom all yelled at me) but I have an 8 page paper due tomorrow. I NEED an A in this class. I'll go to the hospital tomorrow. I promise.

30 Camels and Some Rupees

Daaaaaaaaan: Are you alive? I haven't heard from you in about a week! No emails, no fbook messages, where art thou? Well, since I haven't spoken to you in many a moon I have news (sorry for the repeat Breeze)...drumroll pleeeease:

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!

Did you poop your pants? Me too, kid, me too. I am happy. For the first time in weeks, I am really happy. I tried my hardest to push him away and he just waited patiently for me to be ready. Wanna hear something sickeningly cute? We've spent the last two nights together and last night he went out for his best friend's birthday, he invited me but I couldn't go because I had to work. He called me after I got out and tried to charm me into coming but I was sleepy (plus I went out the previous two nights, eep!) and needed a nap, at least. So then he calls me again two hours later to see if I'd changed my mind after all, I told him that my liver felt like it was going to drown so he told me he was going to come over after he was done kicking ridiculous people out of his house. So, he comes down at like 2 am and crawls in bed with me, he gives me a gigantic hug, and kisses me about a thousand times and says, “I missed you tonight, I wish you could have come out with me.” Now, this may sound like a little thing to you two but this is big for me. I don’t date people who tell me how they feel and the words “I miss you” are relatively foreign to me (coming from people I want to say it). And you want to know the weirder thing? I missed him, too. AFTER A DAY?! Really? Is that how this works? I kinda forget what it’s like to be really into someone. I just want to hang out with him all the time…well not all the time, because I’m me…but more than I want to hang out with other people.

Jeepers creepers, folks!

Mr. Blanco

Well. This is him. You can friend him on facebook. Buuuuuut, don't judge me. He's a mess of a boy and ridiculously drunk and unphotogenic in about 90% of those photos. I'm so happy you put those pictures up, Bree. Dan where are yours?!

Lacing Up My Sneakers

Helloooo folks,
I feel weirdly fine today considering the occurances of yesterday. My mom moved out and Scooter died (my dog, Dan). I feel like I should be really upset or something but I feel nothing. Is that bad? Char and my dad called me a few times but I just didn't feel like dealing with it. That's probably not the mature way to handle it but they don't call me "Hit and Run" for nothing.

When the going gets tough I hit the pavement.

I thought I would outgrow this habit but it turns out I've merely gotten better at justifying it. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet... maybe someday I'll mature up and learn to handle situations but what if I'm like this my whole life? Is that a bad thing?

Well, since I decided to ignore my home situation yesterday I spent the entire day keeping busy to keep my mind of off Bakersfield. I hung out with Vince and Emily alllll day. I even made them Sopa de Fideo (I found fresh mexican cheese in Wal-Mart!!! For the first time in 4 years!!). They loved it, especially Vince. He just kept saying, "this soup is diivvvviiiine!" Then, I was supposed to close the coffee shop but another boardmember covered for me because Mr. Whiteman asked me out on a movie date; a double date with his best friend/best friends serious gf to be precise. I was a wee bit nervous because we've been really down low about our semi-relationship. Meaning I haven't really brought him around my friends and he hasn't brought me around his either. I love that we're taking things so slow...gives me a chance to get used to things and not freak out. The movie date went okay; turns out there's not much time to talk in that type of situation, so no real time for me to feel awkward (which you both KNOW I felt...typical me). He held my hand the whole time since I'm sure he knows I was weird about it too. Well, I'm starving I'm going to go home and eat (I'm writing this at work. Paid to blog? Yes, please)

Oh ya, tonight is some big "Senior Blackout Night" at the bar. Apparently, there's some series of crazy bar nights planned for the whole school year when you're a senior. Who knew? The school even works out drink specials...weird. All of us soccer kids/groupies are going tonight. It should be fun. I shall tell you stories in a day or two.

Dan: I'm so sorry I wasn't on Skype on Monday night. Our stupid internet keeps going down because of the crazy storms we've been having the last couple of days. Typical Meadville.

I MISS YOU GUYS!!!

Girls and Boys

Christy found out she has mono. She's out for almost the entire soccer season. And you know what? She was devastated and pissed off but instead of having people feel sorry for her she bought ME flowers and a card. Her last year of soccer is gone and all she cares about is me?

Megan told Bobby that I spent an entire day locked in my bedroom and he stuck a dandelion in my hair and took me to Wendy's to get a Frosty and talk things out.

Shane came down for Homecoming and somehow got me to vent everything I was keeping to myself. Things I hadn't told anyone about the family situation. I got a letter in the mail from him today and this is some of what it said:
At the oddest times I find my thoughts shifting toward you. Maybe that's not something worth telling you. I've often felt that you might be happier to have little or no connection to me anymore. But your bluntness, your evasiveness, your inconsistency...they've all been weirdly appealing since our first coffee together. The truth is that I miss your energy and your sense of humor, your interest in things, and your spontaneity. As much or more than I've missed the same in other people. You're different though because those qualities are much more intense and brightly defined in you. In short, I imagine you have a boyfriend and a dozen other guys knocking on your door; I'm not asking for a chance to stand in their shoes, but I'm also not above admitting that it might be nice. I write to you then mostly to say that I think of you unavoidably and you're special to me because there's no honest or sensible way around it. Even after months away from you--half a year too, in the company of another girl-- you continue, for what it's worth, to have and odd pull and affect on me.

I can't ever decide whether to be happy or sad. Beau's cutesy pet name for me is "Happy." He says that when I'm happy, I'm so happy but when I'm sad that calling me Happy makes me smile (because of the irony I guess).

I have good friends.

Motion Sickness

So this weekend was fun. Friday night Amy, Mal, and I went out with the Petting Zoo/Alcatraz boys to the Sportsgarden. We met Erich Wittmer's dad. I may or may not have danced with Boger all night. Sweaty sweaty and jumping. It was fun. Saturday was the big Homecoming day/night. The pictures are up on facebook...we were all drinking all day. It was absurd. I passed out drunk at 10 pm. Ridiculous, right? Apparently, I was so drunk I was really mean to Beau. I woke up the next day, read my text messages and was soooo embarassed. He just laughed at me though because the night before he'd been out of control too. So everything was happy. Yesterday I hung out all day with Vince and Emily and was just having a good day. I went to Beau's to sleep. That boy is melting my heart. He's so sweet it's ridiculous and he weirdly understands me. The difficult parts of me...he just understands.

We went to lunch on Friday and then just hung out in my living room. He let me pick the show (CSI) and he just held my hand and scratched my head the whole time. I told him some more about my past and he just listened and when I got to the sad parts he'd stop me and kiss me or hug me tight. This morning I woke up when he did at 6:30 am (swim practice). I guess he woke up 5 min too early so he laid back in bed with me but he does this thing when he doesn't want to leave me. He lays facing me with his forehead pressed against mine and he wraps his arms as tight around me as he can and just holds on to me. We've gotten to the stage where when I stay at his place, if he has to leave before me I just sleep there until I need to go. And he does this thing where anytime he leaves me to go somewhere he walks away and then comes back for one last kiss. I don't know...it's just so cute. Mitch kinda mocked me about him this weekend...people ask me if he's gay. Apparently people think we make a really odd pair which I guess makes sense if you know the both of us independent of one another. And I finally stopped caring. Beau told me it's the differences that he likes the most about me. He's good and kind to me, you know? That's all that matters.

I was happy all weekend and then I got a call from my dad. My mom is moving out tomorrow. I got a little dark again. Char is on the phone crying again...My Nina just left me a voicemail asking for my help. They're trying to get my parents back together. I'm fucking sick of this. I want to be happy.

When can I get off this rollercoaster?

Bi-Polar Disorder

I feel better today. I think I needed a day to just wallow in self pity. Last night before I went to bed I told myself I would wake up and feel normal. It almost worked. I woke up feeling not-sad. That's a step! I went to class, took a quiz and now I'm on my way to a meeting. After that I have a lunch and movie date with Beau. Dani- I know you want me to go to the counseling center but I can't. I know I probably should but I won't. I can't make myself go. I can handle this. I just need time to sort it out and pull myself back together. Writing to you guys helps so much. So incredibly much. For now, I'll but my "dark day" behind me and "pull myself up by my boot straps" (my dad always says that) and hang in there. Time heals all, this I know.

This weekend is Homecoming which means a mini-Spring Fest. Everyone is excited to drink themselves silly with our old friends. (I think Shane is coming...ahhhhh). I think it'll be fun. In fact, I know it'll be fun. I'm going to forget about everything and just be a ridiculous girl.

Love love love.

Dark Blue, Dark Blue

I spent in my room again. I skipped my comp class, three meetings. I stopped functioning again. I thought I was done doing this. Mal and Amy tried to come over...I'm not sure how they knew something was wrong. I told them to leave me alone for today. Vince and Perry have been knocking on my door all day. I told them to leave me alone. I've left my room twice for food and water. I went out last night and I was fine....I was having fun. Then I got a call from my dad; he was home alone....and he was crying. It was like a preview for him of what life was going to be like soon.

I want to go home. I want to go home right now.

I can't think. I can't move. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying. I've been blowing my nose so much that it's been bleeding. That can't be good. I wish you guys were here. So much.

I know you guys are worried about me. I'm trying to not write these things because I don't want you to worry about me. Reading about your adventures cheers me up and just writing this stuff down calms me a little. The truth is, I'm kinda worried about myself.

Care Package

Dan-
You definitely left me in good hands. You know how I told you that Mal, Amy, and Christy have been texting me all day and I kept saying I wasn't feeling up to company? Well I just heard people at my door yelling my name. Amy and Mal stopped by ("we knew you didn't want us to come over so we just did it anyways") with a care package. The contents include: a giant bag of chips w/a jar of french onion dip (our newest obsession), a bag of shredded parmesan cheese, a bottle of tequila, a bottle of margarita mix.

I think I underestimate the people around me sometimes.

The Plague

Hey Guys,
So...I'm pretty god damn sick today. Which is weird only in that I can't really remember the last time I was this sick. It's awful. I've been lying on my floor all day. However, there is a perk to it. My dad called me again this morning...he's in really bad shape. I'm so worried about him. He just kept saying he had no idea what to do. He said he couldn't function. Seems like that's going around. The perk is that I really don't want to go to class today and being sick gives me a legit excuse. Silver lining? I want to help but there's nothing I can do. My dad is making my mom move out and she told him she couldn't afford an apartment on her own...that he would have to help her. SERIOUSLY?! I'm trying so hard not to be mad at her.

She still hasn't called me.

Three days and no phone call. How can I not be mad at her? My dad had to call Kyle yesterday and tell him that he can't be the new babies godfather. He can't stand getting any more mixed in with mom's family. His heart is shattering into a million pieces and he doesn't know what to do about it and neither do I. I tried to tell him that heartbreaks heal....with time....but how can I compare mine with his? I can't. They're not even on the same plane.

Bree I know you already know this so this is mostly for Dan but Joe came over yesterday. I know that I told him I didn't want to be friends but when my dad called me yesterday morning he was crying and I couldn't stand it. I needed to talk to someone who understood the whole picture. Someone who knows me and knows my family. You two were gone and Joe knows so much. I don't think anyone really understands how close the two of us are. For the past two years I've told/talked about virtually everything I've told/talked about with you guys. More even, when it comes to my mom and dad. He came over immediately, he kept asking me the night before if I needed to talk--he could tell something was wrong. We talked for so long. Two/three hours. We talked about everything and it helped. I feel calm now. I feel calm knowing that there is once again someone on this continent I can talk to. Mal, Amy, and Christy know but I'm not ready to tell them everything. Letting people in takes time....especially for me. Although, Dan, you did leave me in good hands. The three of them have been texting me all day asking if I'm okay and wanting to come over. I'm trying to keep my ebola to myself so I keep saying no but I'm going to stop by there later today or tomorrow to talk to them.

This one is also for Dan since I talked to Bree yesterday. I ended things with Beau. I know that I should be holding on to people who care about me instead of pushing them away but I just feel like it's all too much. A new boyfriend in the middle of all this turmoil seems like an absurdity. Like, I told Bree....I want to date someone because I want them. Because I want to be with them and only them, not because they'll help hold me together when everything is fracturing apart. I don't want to bring someone else down.

I'm really tired, I think I'm going to go lay down now. I love you guys.

PS. Dan I still only got one email. Wasn't I supposed to get like 3 or something?
PSS. Breeze, hang in there baby girl.

Flowing Through My Fingertips

So as I went through my day today, classes and such. I realized I weirdly felt better. Like, I didn't feel as lethargic or anxious. Simply writing to you guys made me feel better because I could kind of hear in my head what you guys would say. Strange. I feel kinda happy right now....

I love you guys!

Don't Wake Me, I Plan on Sleeping In

Okay so I had this grand idea that I was going to be able to handle an entire semester without you guys. Not that I wouldn't need to talk to you but that I would be able to handle all the garbage. Why would you want to hear about sad, angry, or frustrating things when you're so far away having fun? But...honestly, I just can't do it on my own. Especially right now. I'm so sorry if this is not what you guys want to read. In fact, after this one, you can most certainly abstain from reading these anymore. I just need a place to vent.

Everything is falling apart.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not friends with Joe anymore, you two are not available, Beau and I broke up 2 days ago, everyone thinks my mom is ready to leave, Char doesn't get me so we don't talk really, my dad is so busy with all the nonsense in Bakersfield to even notice something to going on with me. I have friends here but I don't want to tell them things. I don't function anymore. I haven't done any real work in almost a week. I can't concentrate in class. I keep skipping meetings. There's something wrong with me. I miss you guys sooo much; I don't even think it's healthy at this point. I'm surrounded by familiar places and people I've known for years yet, I feel so lonely. Help.